With the success of Battlestar Galatica’s re-imagining , and with the cat-out-of-the-bag that Paramount turned down JMS’s Star Trek: re-boot(PDF), it’s only a matter of time that someone tosses G. Lucas are fixes the problems with Star Wars.

So, here’s my take on the holy trilogy - I mean trilogy in the Piers Anthony style, of course. The man couldn’t count to three without six numbers.

Gender Switch Switch Luke and Leia. Make Leia the hotheaded badass girl-jedi from the yokel desert planet and Luke a competent rebel leader, who’s stoic and strong.

Turn up the PAIN! The galaxy is under the Emperor’s crushing heel! StormTroopers on Tatooine invade houses looking for rebel terroristas and kill entire families. Prisoners are tormented by banthas. The economy is grinding to a halt while he builds up a great war machine. Communication and Jail monitoring are growth industries. Use this study for research material.

Turn up the Angst! Make Han Solo a gambling addict. And a wookie-addict. And he shoots first. Make Obi-wan a memory junky, who spins tales of a galaxy long long ago, where truth and justice reigned. C-3PO is a nerd of epic proportions that instead of being mr. polite, he’s rude and condescending to the fleshy ones.

Evil is inherited… I’m not talking about Luke and Leia, I’m talking about that damn robot. If Darth Vader built C-3PO, lay some pipe. If C-3PO killed someone, or worse, betrayed Luke to Darth, now wouldn’t that be some pipe laying? Since the probability of a robot being built and then magically involved with the builders’ kids is stretching it… either use it or lose the whole builder thing.

No more Mr. Nice Jedi Let’s see these guys open some serious smack down on the evil. Not an arena fight where the Jedi get slaughtered. Have each and everyone of them destroy an army. By themselves. Wearing the gore of their victims.

Good guys wear black Instead of having Darth slowly transform into evil, let’s have him be good. Very good. Since the Jedi are corrupt, in his eyes, creating a better school is good.

Bring in the Noir Remember the line “Darth Vader hunted the Jedi down” according to Obi-wan? Let’s have Darth hunt each Jedi down. Darth vs. Mace, Darth vs. the funky tentacle head chick, Darth vs. the funky Conehead dude. What if jedi were a bunch of super badasses and one by one stopped showing up to club house meetings? Fear tha Dark Side, biatches! Not this sneaky stormtrooper crap suddenly turn on them - that’s not worth my time. And then show Darth killing the children… now that’s evil!

Ewok-ocide! If Ethiopean spears didn’t work against the Italians, Ewoks wont work against stormtroopers - because we all know Italians are dumber than Stormtroopers. Lets have the gritty rebels politically manipulate the kyute wuvvable Ewoks so that the stormtroopers have to commit troops to genocide, so that they can get the job done. “We had to make a choice - kill some furry anklebiters or let the Emperor rule the Galaxy! It was a tough choice, one that will haunt me to the end of my days…”

I’d pay good money for that last one… not the angst, but the killing of Ewoks. That’s pure popcorn-munching statisfaction!